I want to talk about darkness.
When depression is discussed, either at home or in a surgery or on some talk show, it is seen as something that is wrong in our society and wrong in people who 'suffer' it. You go to the doctor and you are prescribed pills to remove the symptoms of depression. You talk to your partner and fear creeps in about what you could do, how low could you go. Expert psychologists and learned mental condition experts repeat the dangers of depression, the stresses and strains that it puts on the person and the immediate family; how it upsets work/life balance, puts your life on hold.
Depression is wrong. We are frequently reminded.
I have a theory, purely based on my own experience with my depression and how I now use mindfulness to come to terms with it, that my depression is not wrong, it is a part of me that I don't want to lose.
I am beginning to think that the dark stuff and the emotions that the dark generates are just as important to me as a whole as the light. I may have to go through periods when I consider suicide or harm, where I struggle to find meaning and energy, but I am more aware now that those are periods of my life and not my whole life. They are windows of black just as night must come after each day. By recognising that this is but some brief episode, its power is not so strong. It does not pull me in like a suffocating black hole like it used to.
In my own crass and pop culture way I liken it to the end of Return of the Jedi when Luke must face off with his father *SPOILER ALERT*. He has to channel his anger and make it good, in that he uses the power of the dark side to over come the demons and then return to the light. He used that energy for good, turning the dark into light.
Is there not something in that for us? You know, me and you who have depression or perhaps we have something else. Perhaps we have a deep emotional connection to the world around us and it makes us feel sad and happy in the extreme. I believe that behaviour that does not suit our society is where many of these so-called mental disorders generate from. Some who have bi-polar have extreme behaviour, such as shopping sprees, and when it happens they are told it is the wrong way to behave and they must do something about it to never allow it to happen again. I think that is making the behaviour worse.
When we are young behaviour is excused because we haven't matured. When we are old behaviour is excused because we are eccentric. When we are in the middle we must all behave exactly the same way or risk being classed as mentally ill. Is that right? Am I missing the point?
We are all rich and emotional human beings who react to different scenarios in different ways based on the unique way that we think.
I cry at the end of E.T. I feel that emotion and when I hear the music I well -up. I acknowledge that I have acute emotions that mean I take offence easily, or get upset in an argument easily, and tend to feel guilt very easily. I don't want to take pills because I feel that anymore. I want to understand that it is ok for me to feel that and not be a burden on others. It is that guilt that sends us crashing, it is the reaction caused by judgement that de-presses us, that is the problem. Finely tuned emotional people are not.
So I ask if there is another way to how we view depression? Because the current mode is not working. Is it so wrong to feel something, however strong that feeling is?
Zac Thraves is a mindful practitioner, writer and performer. Mindful Imagination Fayre is a show that is on hold and will soon be an online course.
My book, The Self-Harming Pacifist, is coming soon.
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